13 Porn Spoofs That Need to Happen

Image borrowed from SideReel, click to view

There are plenty of porn spoofs out there that should never have happened, like Not the Bradys XXX and Seinfeld XXX, which both have scarred me for life just by my being aware of their existence. But as porn spoofs branch out in the direction of This Isn’t Twilight, The XXX Parody and the like, we see that current pop culture is starting to be porn-parodied almost as fast as the pop culture originals are being created. In this crazy new age of porn parodies galore, I have a few requests.

13. Lord of the Cockrings

Because the title is hysterical and Tolkien would roll in his grave. It would be an all gay gangbang, all the time. It would be epic. An epic trilogy of gay porn!

12. The Italian Handjob

I’m sure this title exists somewhere, but I want heist porn. I want a gang of professional thieves and sex rogues tripping through Italy stealing gold and fucking fantastically all over the place. Then, when one of their own turns on them, I want them to get revenge and steal the gold back. And remember, fuck to enrich your life, not to define your life.

11. Marie Antoinette: Debauchery in Versailles

To make this work they would need period costumes, fantastic sets and breathtaking scenery as well as smoking hot sex. There would have to be some scenes shot indoors on huge beds in lavish bedrooms and others outside for lazy summer orgies on blankets. The makeup, wigs and full costumes are a must. Of course the clothes will come off, but they need to be on, first, to really get into the “camp” of this one. And there must be a scene where a lady courtesan gets under the skirts of our young queen while other guests are none the wiser.

10. Jane Bond: The Woman with the Golden Dong

A female James Bond. With Bond girls. Yes, a lesbian Jane Bond. Ever seen the original Bond film? Midgets, belly dancers, golden bullets, mannequins and a hot assistant by the name of Mary Goodnight. Add a third nipple and it fits into every weird porno niche out there.

9. The Phantom of the Cockopera: Night Music in XXX

I love the Phantom of the Opera, and I cannot be the only one with a metaphorical hard-on for ballerina legs. Pivotal scenes would include Meg and Christine doing a hot ballet duet and then kissing madly against a giant curtain, the Phantom acting the part of voyeur for a number of lesbian vignettes, and Andre and Firmin bending each other over their desks. The Phantom would help Christine… and they could go to his lair… and… mmm. The success of this film would entirely depend on Sasha Grey being cast as Christine.

8. A Cockwork Orgy

This one would be ridiculously dark and probably really difficult to watch, but it has to happen. It likely already has. Follow the plot loosely and weave a plethora of sex in, replace the penis statues with actual dildos, and the strange white cod-pieces with strap-on harnesses. Voila. Perfect recipe for a clusterfuck spoof.

7. Booncock Saints

Two Irish brothers accidentally fucked mafia thugs. They turned themselves in to the authorities and were released as porn stars. They then see this as a calling from God, and start jerking off mafia gang members and crime lords one by one. As the detective trying to figure out the string of orgies gets closer to fucking the Irish brothers, the more he thinks the brothers are doing the right thing. He joins them. In drag. For an… explosive finish.

6. Victor/Victoria: Unleashed and Strapped On

A perfect storm of queer drag porn possibilities. Change the plot, have King Marchand be truly interested in Victor as a man, and have a scene with Victor fucking King with a strap-on. We also need to see Toddy and Squash together. And that scene when Victor goes in and flashes Norma? They need to get down. Hell to the yes. And all those little gay theatre boys need to have a random orgy with Victor because that would be amazing. I could die happy.

5. DeXXXter

Dexter is a cum splatter analyst who recreates cum scenes in the lab. He could do this alone, for the solitary creepiness, or with a male assistant, for some really hot gay porn. Musaka could get his inner gang-bang on with ladies of the evening or club girls. If it’s the season with Dexter’s brother, Deb could fuck him. Or else, she could get with the boss cop lady. I think it’d get dangerously close to super-creepy if Dexter collects cum from people before he kills them. Kind of almost snuff, there… hm.

4. Harry Potter and the Summer of Sexual Exploration

This would need to be 100% gay/lesbian porn, because I said so. Take the plot of any good slashfic, and find a smoking hot cast. Instruct them to go forth and fuck in a wizardly fashion. I demand to see Harry/Draco, Hermione/Ginny, Ron/Harry, Ron/Draco, Harry/Ron/Draco, Snape/Remus, Lucius/His Cane, and McGonagall/Madam Hooch. What? Don’t look at me like that. I’ll bet you ten galleons they’re wildly in love. Oh, and don’t forget some flashback scenes with Sirius/Remus and Albus Dumbledore/Nicholas Flamel (separately, of course). Bow chika wow wow…

3. Rockhard Horror

As one friend said, Rocky Horror is very nearly porn to begin with. This one would actually be really simple to do. Just kinda follow the movie, but… you know… pepper sex scenes in liberally. You’d need Columbia/Eddie, Frank/Janet, Frank/Brad, Brad/Janet, Frank/Rocky, Janet/Rocky, Riff Raff/Magenta (shush, it’s canon), Magenta/Columbia, and then a big gangbang finale. With fishnets and heels. Hmm… we’ll need to make a man… with blond hair and a tan, who’d be good for relieving my… tension…

2. Star TreXXX: Amok Time, a closer look at Porn Farr

Forget Evan Stone playing Kirk, or random shitty people playing Spock and portraying him as an uber-creepy tool. No. We need a fucking hottie as Kirk, say, maybe Chris Pine, and a tall, dark and handsome to be Spock. Someone with an edge, beautiful high cheek bones and angular features… like Zachary Quinto. It would start with Kirk, trapped on a planet without his crew, without his ship, having taken some kind of psychedelic plant, if it can’t be avoided. He would wrap his penis in pure alcohol, and need to go back to the ship because he can’t breathe. He needs help he’s taken two times as many times as LSD that can kill a human being he can’t go underground he’s breathing LSD he’s got penises all over him. And that’s when the big gay gangbang happens. Perhaps during Pon Farr.

1. House: The Extended Special Porn Edition

Let’s just face it. The writers have put enough sexual tension between House and Wilson to take out all of Europe. Let’s embrace their unspoken love. There gotta be some rules here, though. It has to stick with the mood of the show, or else it has to be total PWP. And it has to be all of the original actors. I not only want House fucking Wilson, but also Chase banging Foreman, and Thirteen getting with Cuddy and maybe a little straightness in there too, but if Wilson won’t bang House, then it’s a no-go.

ATTENTION, porn producers. If these ideas are not already in the works (meaning I’m the one infringing), then I expect a check to be in the mail if you get inspired and pick one of these ideas up. It’s only polite to share if you start making money on my ideas, because I sure as hell am not. However, if you’ve signed Hugh Laurie or Zachary Quinto for a porn, then I’d simply like to watch.

So you wanna work at a porn shop?

Image borrowed from The Shark Book, click image

Fill out an application, just like the other five thousand people who think it’d be the easiest, most awesome job ever. I can’t tell you how many times a group of little punks come in, laugh at all the toys, ask me what a butt plug is for, say that’s “gross” and then ask if we’re hiring.

Lack of knowledge and poor attitude. That’s exactly what we’re looking for in an employee. And you want to work here, why? You think our stuff is funny and gross. So, just go home?

I think everyone thinks it’s all fun and games working at the porn shop. I really thought so too, at first. But I came into it the way I come into everything: with a good healthy fear of the downside. And oh, there are downsides. Allow me to rant about workplace annoyances and things that have become commonplace that should NEVER be commonplace (or maybe, should always be commonplace, depending on your tastes). Here goes.

Things I see regularly (or have happened at least once) at the porn store:

• Dudes come in to masturbate in the booths. We call them boothers, not so affectionately. They have mannerisms that define their existence. For example, they will go out of their way to avoid having to cross paths with other boothers. They come in and walk fast to the booths, but walk in winding paths, so as to persuade the clerks that they are not actually going to have a wank. Because we’re stupid and a meandering path confuses us. Additionally, there are two camps of boothers, the Co-Dependent Wankers and the Solitary Wankers. The Solitary Wankers like to wank alone, and are offended by the Co-Dependent Wankers who prowl the booths (I’ve seen them do this on camera) and listen at the doors, and knock, and like… try to get in to help out. The Solitary Wankers often come and complain to me about it but… what do they want me to do, honestly? Scold the Co-Dependents? Ban everyone? Make a sign? Get a sword and go guard their booth? I have a job to do, and the Solitary Wankers are totally capable of hollering, “Leave me alone.”

• People try and get with you. Not only do people try and hit on you lamely, people will sometimes try and hit on you FOR THEIR IMPRISONED BOYFRIEND’S IMPRISONED BROTHER. Yes, my friend, a woman hit on me for her boyfriend’s brother. Boyfriend and brother are in prison. She went on and on about how she knew I might not be single, or straight, or WILLING TO DATE AN INMATE but he was SUCH A NICE GUY even tho he was ARRESTED FOR DEALING COKE. Yeah.

• People call you names. I was called a cum guzzling whore, to my face. I threw the man out.

• Strippers walk around, shopping for new outfits, in fence-net tops (if you’re lucky). Boobies hang out. Sometimes the boobies are nice, sometimes the boobies are not. Such is life, but it’s gotten so normal that it’s happened while the Chinese food guy has been bringing food and as I see his “WTF IS THIS PLANET!??” face I wonder, “When did this become my life?”

• Random drunk people will talk at you for ages thinking they have game. Drunk people? You do not have game. When someone stops looking at you when you’re talking at them, that means they are AT WORK AND HAVE A JOB TO DO and do not want to listen to you talk about your alcoholic wife and whiskey dick. Seriously. What is the game plan?

• Someone will come in wearing a motorcycle helmet and breathlessly rush around muttering about the cold, use the ATM, and leave with the cash in his mouth. Don’t ask, I don’t know either.

• Someone will come asking for “tranny porn.” This will happen daily. They will not use the correct terms, and using the correct terms with them will not help, they will not know what you are talking about. So you need to actually say “chicks with dicks” or something equally offensive. Recently, it killed my soul to say “hermaphrodites,” after I tried and failed to tell the person that they were referring to intersexed individuals, and that actually, the kind of porn they were looking for likely didn’t exist because people don’t usually have a perfectly working penis and functional vagina. Like, ever. But, don’t tell a wildly drunk gang of middle aged chicks this. They’ll get angry and yell about “tranny porn.”

• Someone will look at the “tranny”/gay/BDSM porn (all in the same area, cause that makes sense) for two hours, memorize every word on the cases, and then buy something generic from another corner of the porn, with a pink box and happy teenage girls who just discovered their butts on the cover. Dude, really, I saw you in the kinky corner. If you wanna buy the bondage porno, it’s fine. I know what’s over there. I’m not surprised, really. People who can’t get the balls to buy the porn they really want annoy the shit out of me. Do they think I don’t know what they’re looking at?

• Someone will buy one condom and one pillow pack of lube, pay with a $20, and take the goods and their new wad of small change directly to the booths. And I will scrub the fingerprints off my hands with hand sanitizer.

• Someone will come in, go to the booths, not find their wank friend, and then come back out, pick up a free issue of New Times, and read it in the center of the dildo aisle. They will do this while dressed to the nines, to attract their wank friend to them, even tho it’s Sunday night at 7 pm and everyone is at home being decent human beings.

• Some dude will buy sex toys for a stripper thinking she’ll actually sleep with him. And maybe she will, I have no idea.

• Some dude will come in and tell you about how he had a jelly toy he used with his girlfriend but she went home from college and couldn’t take it so he gave it to his buddy to use on his girlfriend. And you will die of the ick, and be unable to hide your disgust.

• Kids will call the store repeatedly and swear at you/Someone will call the store and ask for Real Dolls/Pervs will call the store and make jizz sounds into the receiver. You will dread the phone ringing.

• Someone is going to ask you what porn you like and then make a beeline for the booths when you answer. You will thank God that you lied to them, because if you had told the truth and gotten that result, you would die inside.

• Someone will come in and ask for change and pretty much set their money in your food. Because clerks are not people and obviously we like money germs in our food.

• Larges groups of kids will come in, laugh at everything in the store, and smack each-other’s asses with the crops. They will touch everything, and then leave in a silent, single-file line. You will loathe their existence.

• One of them will come back alone, and buy something deeply disturbing.
  

• A dude will come in and spend $250 on gay porn DVDs, magazines, and a giant tube of silicone lube. You will really want to tell him to slow the fuck down or else he might hurt himself, but you keep your mouth shut, and hope for the best.

• A weird dude will come into the booths and stay for six hours, emerging only to pretend to look at magazines while watching pretty young girls shop for sex toys, and then return to the booths to wank to his new spank bank footage. You will finally decide he’s had enough chances and tell him to cut it the fuck out or you’re gonna ban him. (FYI, when he leaves, he is slick with sweat and looks like he only got out by digging a hole through the ground and is lucky to be alive.)

• Someone will try to recruit you for a threesome. Just say no to porn store threesomes.

I will update this atrocity as soul shattering things occur at work.

Carnivalesq’s Kickass Guide to Dating Awesome People**

1. Find a potential partner. Try looking for potential partners in clubs, at the library, in the woods, at Pride Parades, LGBTQ resource centers, the health food aisle, LLBean outlet centers, music stores, at activism events, cafes, or small women-owned sex-toy shops. Additionally, you can find everyone online, where they exist outside the Matrix.

2. Screen potential partner for compatibility. To do this, you must set parameters for your sweep, and execute the scan. An example of one such scan includes the following queries:

Are you an ex-convict?
Are you married/engaged/seeing someone/separated but still really married and should not be dating me yet?*
How old are you? (In the event they say they just turned 18, don’t be shy about carding them. Prison is no fun.)
Have your exes been murdered or entered into witness protection?
What are your religious views? (In event of Scientologist or Born Again Christian, reboot system and run like hell.)
Are you a virgin? (Depending on your views, either answer works.)
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate to wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion but enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine, politically aware, and don’t believe in capital punishment?
Are you uninhibited in bed, more than three times a week, up for being experimental?
Do you like Alanis Morissette?
Do you suffer from mental illness? (Take time to ascertain whether potential partner’s mental issues are contraindicated with your own. If so, reboot and abort mission.)
What is your relationship with your mother like? (Generally speaking, unless someone’s mother’s name is Medusa, they should be at least civil 90% of the time.)
Are you employed?
Are you really employed? (Be lenient here, times are tough, but if someone is enjoying the unemployment benefits and spending it all on cheez-its and WoW then you may want to click next.)
Do you have a car?
If you do not have a car, do you plan to beg rides from your new partner all the time or do you have a usual mode of transport, such as bus, bike, etc.?
Do you have swine flu?
Do you have an apartment?
Do you live in your parents’ basement?
Do you LARP? (I will not LARP in a box. I will not LARP with a fox. I will not LARP here or there. I will not LARP anywhere.*)
What are the 5 things you cannot live without? (If this includes Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering Cards and LARP over things like Family, Friends and Shelter, run for the hills. It may well be true, I know, but have the decency to lie if you want to get laid.)
Star Trek or Star Wars? (Argue with and berate the person as needed.)
What is the air-speed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow?
Are your teeth rotting from your head?
Do you talk endlessly when others are trying to watch the damned movie in peace?
Do you smoke?
Are you a secret alcoholic? (Everyone will say no, statistically some of these people are lying.)
Do you own upwards of $5,000 in sex toys? (Um, wait, that’s a bad thing?)

3. Determine your compatibility. Only you will know what makes a potential suitor suitable. You learn this from past relationships crashing and burning like nobodies business. One ex asked you all the time what you were doing at 8 am and if you could drive them to a meeting at a college they want to get into so they can use loan money to buy a laptop computer? Then you want to find a new person who isn’t transportationally co-dependent. Another ex snuck shots from your mom’s $40 bottle of scotch? Then you’ll want to keep an eye out for those secret alcoholics. They’re tricky, but you can usually find them buying boxes of wine for themselves to tide them through the night.

4. Once your compatibility is determined, decide if you’re actually interested enough to proceed and pursue this person, or to respond to their pursuit of you. Are you curious to learn more about them? Are they interesting? Funny? Hot? Is their hair a funny color? Do they have special skills? Some people like it when someone has nun-chuck skills, for example.

5. If you are interested, meet up for that first date. Go somewhere neutral, like a club, the library, the woods, a Pride Parade, the local LGBTQ resource center, the health food aisle, an LLBean outlet center, the music stores, an activism event, a cafe, or that small women-owned sex-toy shop if you hope to end up in bed on the first date. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT have your first date at the U-Haul center. It’s more tempting than ever to get a place with someone you’re interested in, due to the economy, but it’s always a bad idea. 100% of the time. Also, for those potential couples with a bit of distance between you, you can have your first date online… you know… just keep chatting.

6. Get some distance. You don’t want to start spending all your time with this new person, because without some space you can’t reflect on how you really feel about them. Do they meet your needs? Can you see a future with them? Do they say things that raise red flags, for example, asking if you could possibly invite your midget friend over, bring a few balloons, a fruit basket and a mime next time you are gonna have sex? Little things like that might tip you off that you may prefer to toss this fish back into the sea and try again.

7. If you tossed this one back, repeat steps 1-6. If they passed, proceed to 8.

8. See where things go. Don’t follow outdated rules about what should happen when. If you’re looking for sex, don’t let someone tell you when is too soon. If you’re not looking for sex, don’t be pressured to have it yet. If you want a swing dance partner, let them know upfront to avoid awkward silences when you come out of the zoot suit closet. Relax, enjoy their company, and don’t get too wound up about “forever.” Nothing is forever. Maybe this has potential for a good long term relationship, maybe it will go up in flames when your pyrotechnics routine fails because of your poor communication skills, but the point is to have fun and enjoy the moment. And look on the bright side. If it does end in a fireball of epic fail and ruin, you may just spot a hot Fire Fighter Guy/Chick coming to put out the fire. If this happens, return to Step 1 and Keep Back 200 Feet so you don’t get burned.

*Some snark borrowed from friends.

**Onyx St. Syr gave me the title.

Roles

Courtesy of Male Submission Art

The following is my own rambling. The words I use to define myself may not mesh with how you use those words. The words I use to define others have been related to me by those others.

I find myself in another relationship. Let’s call him L. We are not dating and we are not girlfriend and boyfriend or girlfriend and girlfriend, we are monogamous friends with benefits. I am feeling pleasantly aligned with myself this time. I mean, I’m not hiding large parts of myself this time, at least not to my knowledge. I am queer and hard femme and defiant. I am attracted to people before their genders. Despite my current femme swing (and my recent, growing fondness for the color pink) my energy is masculine (thus, ‘hard’ femme). I have always claimed to be switch, in the sense of dominant vs. submissive, that I am a bit of both.

The other person in this pairing is a self described male lesbian. He has described this to me in a few ways, one being that he sometimes has to remind himself that this body is male and not female, however he does not wish to pursue a sex change. The feeling is internal and is not congruent with his physical body, but he accepts this. He appears, to me, to have a number of “feminine traits,” and has told me he has often been mistaken for being gay. He is switch as well, though has told me he’s most often leaning towards the submissive.

Despite my assertion that I am switch, I have had little actual experience in the past with the sexual roles of dominant and submissive. They’re ideas I enjoy and have explored in writing and in fantasy (alone) but rarely with partners. In retrospect, my feelings regarding my own dominance don’t lie in power or the exertion of it, but in watching and enjoying the body and reactions of my partner.

When a partner is bound and perhaps blindfolded, I allow myself to experience them in a way that I do not do during vanilla sex. Perhaps I’m too self conscious to really drink in my partners beauty if I know I am being watched in return. Perhaps I enjoy the difference, the things I am allowed to see when a partner is completely vulnerable, the knowledge that what I am doing is something they really like, that there is something in this for them as well as for me.

I have had very little opportunity to explore dominance and submission with a partner. In my last long term relationship, there was a very small amount of that done, but at the time it didn’t feel like that was what we were really doing. I didn’t want to be dominant because I didn’t really want to see him submit. So I took a submissive role for the simple reason that at the time it was easier.

I’m trying to figure myself out here, not to make sweeping claims about the nature of dominance and submission or to offend people. I’m trying to write this all down and find myself in here somewhere. I almost feel that I will become submissive in the absence of desire. For me, submission is solitary. I say this as someone who has never experienced anyone with a truly dominant sexual personality (though I would not at all be against exploring this). So, SO FAR, submission is a solitary experience, of sorts. For me. Blindfolded, I am alone. I am a very visual person, and with a lack of vision I delve into my own imagination. My partner may well be doing things to me, but the experience has less to do with my and my partner as it does with me and myself. Mind you, I really have had very little experience with submission. Just some simple bondage, beginner bondage, if you will.

As a sort of tangent, in an early relationship I allowed myself to be bound and my partner slapped me across the face – hard – and everything stopped being a game. I wonder if I am incapable of being truly submissive because at my core I am a protector. I protect myself, and I protect those I love. To open myself to be potentially hurt by someone I love isn’t something I want, it’s not something I find erotic, and I don’t think I trust people enough to trust them not to take it too far, because in this relationship, while damage was not inflicted, it was taken too far. I trust myself not to take a dominant role too far because of my experience of having the boundaries disrespected, in this example, and in others that I am not willing to share here, but which still affect me deeply in many aspects of my sexuality. It’s nothing dark or malicious, but more rooted in lack of education on the part of my partners.

This is the first sexual relationship that I’ve been in where I’ve actually wanted to take the dominant role. I think this has a good deal to do with the fact that I find my current partner extremely sexually attractive. I have dated and slept with people whose bodies have not turned me on, and in those situations I have never wanted to do things to them. In those situations, I found them attractive enough, maybe cute, and grew to care for them emotionally, and I did things with them, but I rarely just wanted to jump their bones. Nothing ever lit me on fire like this does.

I want to see L’s body because it’s beautiful. I want to do things to him because he reacts. He actually submits, and it makes me want to take control. He’s sensual, and hard and soft all at once, and masculine and feminine, and it’s so damned sexy. However, I find myself hitting a new wall. I want to do things to him, but… what do I do? We’ve talked, we talk about sex a lot, I know what he’s willing to do, what he’d like and what he’s iffy on, but I can’t write myself a sexual script to follow. This is a problem in my head, or between my head and the rest of my body, or something. It’s a confidence issue. I feel like if I jump into what I want to do I’m going to trip on something and fall on my face. I feel awkward about all my toys and various gear, which is ridiculous, but seriously, how do you start a new relationship and go ‘Oh, hi, I come with a personal arsenal of sexual props’? He likes it, which is good, but having a lot of stuff makes me feel like I take up too much space (a lingering issue from my recent LTR who always made me feel like I had too much shit).

The answer is, I think I’m neurotic. I finally want to dominate and now I can’t let that out without myself getting in the way. I want to do things to him and watch him react, and instead I’m trying to coordinate my arms and legs and laughing about my own random clumsiness. I think I may be coming up against something that I realized long ago about real life vanilla sex versus the sex we see in movies: it doesn’t happen in real life the way it does in good bondage porn. I don’t have a script, and no one is giving me stage direction, my cuffs don’t match the blindfold (my blindfold sucks), I forgot my strap-on and flogger at home, and yeah, maybe I’m a little distracted by the porn playing in the background and maybe I ran out of moves so I keep falling back on the ones I really like to the point that I seem boring. But maybe I don’t seem boring. I don’t honestly know. But I finally want to explore this. I am enjoying this, enjoying the act of giving pleasure and confident in my knowledge of safely engaging in various sexual acts. Finally I feel engaged. And as engaged as I feel with this, I feel zero desire to submit. Right now, if asked, I don’t feel like a switch, I feel dominant. However, I still have no sexual scripts and run into walls of not knowing what the fuck to do next.

One thing is for sure, though. Another time I’m bringing the strap-on and the flogger.

I feel something unpleasant coming on

Hello,

I have become aware that someone has contacted you and mentioned my video of the Lattachino Double Head Dildo.

The link to the video is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_T757JNjBM

I am a sex toy reviewer and post my reviews at http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/.

This video was not included in my review for The Lesbian Lifestyle (read the review at:
http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2009/06/25/tll-adult-review-glass-lattachino-double-dildo/), I made the video afterward to show fellow reviewers and consumers that this dildo is hollow, which is not noted in the description.

I received this Don Wands dildo through SexToy.com, and if there is any doubt as to whether this dildo is an actual Don Wands product, you are welcome to contact Domina who coordinates the sex toy reviews at their site, and her email is: domina@sextoy.com.

The product is on sextoy.com and the description is viewable at this link: http://sextoy.com/prod_info.php?a=sextoycom&pnum=CNVGI-9887

The description states: “This smooth double ended wand is a uniquely crafted wand and is one of the most beautiful hand blown wands available. Striped and solid twisting bands of brilliant color come together to create a truly functioning piece of art. For those of you who like to share the fun, and are searching for a glass pleasure wand with added length and 2 realistic tips, this is the perfect choice. The 1in diameter shaft wand widens to approximately 1 1/4in in the center with an approximate 9in overall length.” – sextoy.com

The description does not state the dildo is hollow to the average sex toy consumer, and so I made the video to show my fellow reviewers on Twitter what I meant when I said it was hollow. This may be a common way to make glass dildos, but I would not use a dildo knowing it was hollow. On the large end, the end with the hole, the glass is very thin which makes me concerned about it’s safety regarding whether or not it will break during use.

I discovered it had a hole when I first used it, using the large end inserted vaginally, and discovered the toy had taken condensation on inside. Perhaps it isn’t glue, but there was something plugging the hole – and it had definitely been there prior to use – which I fished out with a pin. It looked to me like glue or some clear rubbery thing. I then proceeded to clean it and it took on water. You may say that these dildos are manufactured with holes and not plugged afterwards, but I and everyone I have spoken to have been disgusted at the idea of masturbating with something that takes on bodily fluids and cannot be cleaned thoroughly.

My review, while ultimately highlighting this flaw which prevents my recommending it to others, was in all other regards respectful and discusses how gorgeous the dildo was and how much I love it in all other regards, aesthetics, size, material, etc. I understand this manufacturing process necessitates a hole, but the surface material of the large head seems very thin, and I feel that the hole should be sealed to ensure it is sanitary, as otherwise it is an easy breeding ground for germs.

I believe you are aware of this product error in my promotional item for review, because Domina told me she had talked with someone at Don Wands and that someone at Don Wands has planned to send a replacement because my product should not be as it is. If this is the case, I never have recieved the replacement item. If this is not the case, I wonder if my item is truly a fluke? Do they not all take on water?

Thank you,

C

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together

What am I talking about? A number of things. KY Yours and Mine, Wet Together and Lure for Her and Lure for Him. Mind you, I have tried none of these products, but I have a beef with them all.

Why? They’re all heteronormative. Neither of the lubes account for the fact that the couple might be two men, two women, or something in between or beyond.

On Wet Together: “His warms. Hers tingles. She applies his to him. He applies hers to her. The intimate act of touching makes the connection. The two unite, body to body, heart to heart.”

Aww. I’m touched. Really. (Not really.) What about two men? What about trans folks? What about poly folk? WHAT ABOUT TWO WOMEN!? I sold some of the KY Yours and Mine to a lesbian the other day, and she looked at my boss and I and asked, “What if it’s two women? It’s not hers and hers, it’s his and hers, will it still work?”

My boss looked at me and we just shrugged. I broke it down, told her that essentially, one of the KY Yours and Mine lubes cools and the other warms, and that the partners don’t need to be male and female, that that part is just marketing. She bought it even though it’s marketed to straight folks, and she’s doing the same thing LGBT folk have been doing every step of the way; taking the heterosexual world and the things made for heterosexual people and turning it around, flipping it inside out, and reshaping it so that it’s okay to use. Not perfect, but okay. It’ll work, but it’s not the prettiest thing, and it’s certainly not marketed to us.

Now the Lure, that’s a pheromone cologne. I don’t want Lure for Her, because won’t that attract men? And I’m not totally sure I want Lure for Him, because I don’t know what that smells like. I’m pleased that Lure has a Unisex variety. Lure confuses me in general because they all look to have the same pheromone in it, but it’s still a step in the right direction to have a unisex variety.

But back to the lubes. I get that most couples are straight, statistically speaking, and that sex toys and lubes and all of that are still often marketed as “marital aids” (though really, “extramarital aids” are more like it), but really, there are no lubes like KY Yours and Mine marketed to gay couples or lesbian couples (or trans couples or poly folk).

I’m not unrealistic, I can see where there would be problems. The whole idea revolves around applying the lube seperately and then putting the warm-lubed penis in the cold-lubed vagina (or some variation of that), and the fun is when the temperatures meet. That’s tough when the penis is going in an anus, and I imagine a cold or tingly lubed anus wouldn’t be a joy when met with a warm-lubed penis, unless of course that’s your thing. Generally, tho, the stimulating hot-cold-tingly lubes aren’t for the butt. And for women? One gal gets cold lube vagina, the other gets hot lube vagina… and then, tribbing? Maybe. And this I would pay to see, but it’s not the most common sex act between women and otherwise you don’t get the full effect of the meeting of the temperatures. There’s possibility in trans relationships for the meeting of body parts in such a way to utilize the lubes, but that becomes complex and I feel that the companies would put their feet in their mouths if they tried to market it for transfolk.

Still, I’m disappointed that there is a product out there for straight couples that doesn’t apply so well to LGBT couples.

And what about poly folks? We should have “Come Together” lube with an assortment for poly relationships, warming, tingling, cooling, stimulating, etc. I’m not being glib (hard to believe, I know). These couples lubes leave so many people out, and I’m annoyed.

I think a big part of my problem is the taglines that talk about the intimate application between a man and a woman, and that this lube helps a man and a woman connect body to body and heart to heart in a lovely ad-copy way that leaves out the beauty of other comings together.

I realize it’s hard to fix, but I want it fixed. I want some cool lube made just for lesbians, and another just for gay men, and some just for trans folks, and more for poly folks. More lube for all! Marketed to us with vaguely sexual TV ads, but the characters in the ads should be less shy about it (have you SEEN the ads?) and just be fucking fabulous about their badass LGBT lubes.

I’m not kidding. Wet, Topco, whoever’s listening, make it happen. And I want 20%. (If I see a “Come Together” lube branded for poly groups and there’s no check in my hand, I am suing someone’s ass.)

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Carnivalesq 2.0, still rude, but now ginger!

Since I am technically half naked, let’s call this a late HNT, just cause. However, the point of this post is to flaunt the fact that… I hennaed my hair and didn’t fuck it up too badly! I’m not posting the pics of me in a shower cap on my blog, but may be convinced to tweet a few. Anyways, here’s how it turned out! I’m pretty pleased.

Pardon the evil glare. That’s just my baseline expression.

Just the top of the head, all I want is the top of the head. (Austin Powers)

A little less evil right here.

Which I make up for with the super evil of this one. Ta!

HNT with pictures from Memorial Day

On Monday, Randy and I went to Robert Tremen State Park in Ithaca for Memorial Day. In case you didn’t know, Ithaca is Gorges. It’s gorgeous. And there are gorges. I got near water, and therefore, I got wet. I mean, my pants got wet. No, not like that. I mean they got soaked. Okay, never mind… here, have some pictures.

A pathway of stone with a low stone wall and the river far down below.

I like taking pictures of Randy taking pictures. <3

And making faces.

He got a few of me. This one I actually like.

I swam here. I stood in the waterfall. It was super-epic.

And, an obligatory picture of my feet. Enjoy!