1. Find a potential partner. Try looking for potential partners in clubs, at the library, in the woods, at Pride Parades, LGBTQ resource centers, the health food aisle, LLBean outlet centers, music stores, at activism events, cafes, or small women-owned sex-toy shops. Additionally, you can find everyone online, where they exist outside the Matrix.
2. Screen potential partner for compatibility. To do this, you must set parameters for your sweep, and execute the scan. An example of one such scan includes the following queries:
Are you an ex-convict?
Are you married/engaged/seeing someone/separated but still really married and should not be dating me yet?*
How old are you? (In the event they say they just turned 18, don’t be shy about carding them. Prison is no fun.)
Have your exes been murdered or entered into witness protection?
What are your religious views? (In event of Scientologist or Born Again Christian, reboot system and run like hell.)
Are you a virgin? (Depending on your views, either answer works.)
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate to wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion but enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine, politically aware, and don’t believe in capital punishment?
Are you uninhibited in bed, more than three times a week, up for being experimental?
Do you like Alanis Morissette?
Do you suffer from mental illness? (Take time to ascertain whether potential partner’s mental issues are contraindicated with your own. If so, reboot and abort mission.)
What is your relationship with your mother like? (Generally speaking, unless someone’s mother’s name is Medusa, they should be at least civil 90% of the time.)
Are you employed?
Are you really employed? (Be lenient here, times are tough, but if someone is enjoying the unemployment benefits and spending it all on cheez-its and WoW then you may want to click next.)
Do you have a car?
If you do not have a car, do you plan to beg rides from your new partner all the time or do you have a usual mode of transport, such as bus, bike, etc.?
Do you have swine flu?
Do you have an apartment?
Do you live in your parents’ basement?
Do you LARP? (I will not LARP in a box. I will not LARP with a fox. I will not LARP here or there. I will not LARP anywhere.*)
What are the 5 things you cannot live without? (If this includes Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering Cards and LARP over things like Family, Friends and Shelter, run for the hills. It may well be true, I know, but have the decency to lie if you want to get laid.)
Star Trek or Star Wars? (Argue with and berate the person as needed.)
What is the air-speed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow?
Are your teeth rotting from your head?
Do you talk endlessly when others are trying to watch the damned movie in peace?
Do you smoke?
Are you a secret alcoholic? (Everyone will say no, statistically some of these people are lying.)
Do you own upwards of $5,000 in sex toys? (Um, wait, that’s a bad thing?)
3. Determine your compatibility. Only you will know what makes a potential suitor suitable. You learn this from past relationships crashing and burning like nobodies business. One ex asked you all the time what you were doing at 8 am and if you could drive them to a meeting at a college they want to get into so they can use loan money to buy a laptop computer? Then you want to find a new person who isn’t transportationally co-dependent. Another ex snuck shots from your mom’s $40 bottle of scotch? Then you’ll want to keep an eye out for those secret alcoholics. They’re tricky, but you can usually find them buying boxes of wine for themselves to tide them through the night.
4. Once your compatibility is determined, decide if you’re actually interested enough to proceed and pursue this person, or to respond to their pursuit of you. Are you curious to learn more about them? Are they interesting? Funny? Hot? Is their hair a funny color? Do they have special skills? Some people like it when someone has nun-chuck skills, for example.
5. If you are interested, meet up for that first date. Go somewhere neutral, like a club, the library, the woods, a Pride Parade, the local LGBTQ resource center, the health food aisle, an LLBean outlet center, the music stores, an activism event, a cafe, or that small women-owned sex-toy shop if you hope to end up in bed on the first date. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT have your first date at the U-Haul center. It’s more tempting than ever to get a place with someone you’re interested in, due to the economy, but it’s always a bad idea. 100% of the time. Also, for those potential couples with a bit of distance between you, you can have your first date online… you know… just keep chatting.
6. Get some distance. You don’t want to start spending all your time with this new person, because without some space you can’t reflect on how you really feel about them. Do they meet your needs? Can you see a future with them? Do they say things that raise red flags, for example, asking if you could possibly invite your midget friend over, bring a few balloons, a fruit basket and a mime next time you are gonna have sex? Little things like that might tip you off that you may prefer to toss this fish back into the sea and try again.
7. If you tossed this one back, repeat steps 1-6. If they passed, proceed to 8.
8. See where things go. Don’t follow outdated rules about what should happen when. If you’re looking for sex, don’t let someone tell you when is too soon. If you’re not looking for sex, don’t be pressured to have it yet. If you want a swing dance partner, let them know upfront to avoid awkward silences when you come out of the zoot suit closet. Relax, enjoy their company, and don’t get too wound up about “forever.” Nothing is forever. Maybe this has potential for a good long term relationship, maybe it will go up in flames when your pyrotechnics routine fails because of your poor communication skills, but the point is to have fun and enjoy the moment. And look on the bright side. If it does end in a fireball of epic fail and ruin, you may just spot a hot Fire Fighter Guy/Chick coming to put out the fire. If this happens, return to Step 1 and Keep Back 200 Feet so you don’t get burned. 
*Some snark borrowed from friends.
**Onyx St. Syr gave me the title.
1 Comment
October 22, 2009 at 12:39 am
HAHA aww I love you!
You forgot a question though:
*Are you married/engaged/seeing someone/separated but still really married and should not be dating me yet???
I forget that question ONE TIME (ok 2 times) and where is my hot Fire Fighter to put out the fireball of epic fail that is my love life? WHERE???